Hello everyone! Please let me know if you would be interested in reading more of this. The following prologue is the beginning of the chronicled events of a section of my childhood which was very dear to me. I plan on writing several installments on the adventures of Sofira, Raven, and Isobel, written as if the children actually were the fictional characters. Again, please let me know if you're interested.
Many thanks,
S.S. Rose
Child's Play: Prologue
We walked, one after the other, into the musty stone bowels of my only friend’s house. The basement was cool, quiet, and dark, save the pulsing afternoon light that leaked in through the thick-paned glass door like watercolor onto paper. There was an old guest bed huddled in the corner, dusty and moldy in its prolonged vacancy. On the other side of the sliding door a hot tub hummed and boiled. A pair of threadbare couches conjoined at the hip had been arranged around the half of the room with a carpeted floor. The wooden door with old-fashioned glass windows stuck out of the wall adjacent to the stairway that wound up to the main floor. Through that door was a sort of walk-in closet and in the closet was a storage cupboard, which doubled as a labyrinth, and trebled as a goblin’s cave.
In this basement, this enchanted grotto, I was not myself. Rather, I was all the different selves I might have been if I had gotten any say in the matter. This day, I was Sofira. Sofira the Brave, Princess of the Goldenwood Realm, a fantastical hybrid of wood-nymph and elf and the rightful heir to the crown. An enchantress, Sofira was skilled in the art of weaponry and could only be killed by four strokes of the ruby dagger or fifty thrusts of the diamond sword. Her only notable shortcoming was a slight emotional weakness which often lead her to be overly affectionate towards the roguishly handsome Raven.
Raven, embodied by my friend’s brother, was the beloved of Sofira as well as a woodsman and spell-caster. He possessed a tongue of cool fire, which quickly seduced and enraptured the vulnerable Sofira.
His sister, and my only friend, was the fair lady Isobel. Soft-spoken and quietly angry at the world, Isobel was Sofira’s closest confidante and a knighted lady.
Brooding in the catacombs and still shadows of the basement lurked the blackhearted Desdemorn, the bloodthirsty lord of dragons and hellfire and all things unimaginably wicked. He guarded one dangerous secret of Sofira’s past that might prevent her from wearing the spotless crown of Goldenwood.
Among our party, we possessed only one boy, the brother, who by default became the blurred chiaroscuro of both Desdemorn and Raven. Gradually, as the days and weeks progressed, the two became frightfully alike in nature. This puzzle I fretted over during countless car-rides home, head rested on hand staring out of the window at wet blurring trees.
End of chapter
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ahh well this is such a beautiful start here. You're creating a really amazing vibrant setting to start things off there and I think its really quite beautiful the way you manage to capture things here. Its very powerfully in creating a wonderful sense of nostalgia in you as a reader because you can relate oh so much to this and its simply just a wonderful idea to breathe life to. It might not the most intriguing of openings but you can absolutely consider me hooked just by this opening here.
Well this is a rather cute series of imagines here and I honestly could say this little story within a story is also intriguing enough, or rather the characters are intriguing enough that I totally find myself wanting to read an entire story on just them too. Well, at any rate this prologue so far has been wildly successful.
Hmm...the end there got a tiny bit shaky, I have to say. It started off really well, but the end just spirals into a tiny bit of confusion and it really doesn't seem to work all that well as an ending since it seems to almost abruptly and not in the good way a cliffhanger does so. Perhaps a second look at that is a good idea here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I love this beginning prologue - your use of words is lovely.
I agree with Lena - the first paragraph is very detailed. I'd cut down some, especially since this is only the prologue.
I love the idea, I just think that the sentence does need some rewording. Maybe "if I had gotten any say in the matter". Still, such a lovely idea - that your circumstances put you in one position in the 21st century, non-fiction world, probably few chances for adventure. That, if you had gotten the chance, you would choose excitement and magic and adventure; you would choose beauty and strength and power. I love it - what imaginative child (or older) would not dream of what could have happened in an alternative situation.
I don't have a problem with your polysyndenton. This is fiction, not non-fiction and not a business letter. There are times when multiple "ands" are perfect. Plus, this is from the mind of a child, so run-on sentences and extra detail and, to some extent, jumping from idea to idea is normal. The details of her enchantressness (yeah, that's probably not a word) are beautiful, too. It's obvious that you have really placed yourself in the shoes of Sofira, that you know her weaknesses; that she is almost - but not quite - immortal. I love the idea of her strength, her huge strength, that still has a slight bit of weakness; she still has a little vulnerability.
Only one confusion - you say she is queen of Goldenwood Realm, but then you also say that she is the "rightful heir", as though she is yet to inherit the throne. Later, too, that Desdemorn holds the secret that could prevent her from becoming queen - this seems a little inconsistent; it would make more sense if you didn't call her "Queen of Goldenwood Realm" right at the beginning.
I feel like this idea is a little blunt. Try to show this instead of telling it. Also, I wouldn't refer to Sofira as "vulnerable". She has a few vulnerabilities, yes, but overall she is not a vulnerable person. She is made vulnerable by the charms and seductions of Raven.
I really like Isobel, even from the small snippet you have given us. I'm already curious what makes this knight angry at the world. She is obviously strong, physically and emotionally, because she is a knight; it leaves me wondering both why she is angry and why she stays silent about it. How does this "fair lady" deal with being the friend of the hugely powerful and magical and royal Sofira?
I hugely disagree with Lena - I love the use of "chiaroscuro". Light and dark, good and evil, charming woodcutter and wicked hellfire lord - in one character. The idea of them blending, too, is marvelous, and is exactly what would happen when both characters are played by the brother. It's not that Raven is becoming completely evil or Desdemorn all good - but they cannot stay completely separate, either. Their characters are played by the same person, so it is almost three personalities going into each character. Beautiful - I can't wait to see where you go with that.
Altogether, I love it (if I haven't said that enough already
It's a lovely prologue, and I can't wait to see where additional chapters go!
Hey,
I love your use of words! I think that you were a bit detailed for a prologue though. Honestly speaking, I truly had not a bit of a clue of what happened, I understand that it is a young child (I think female) who has but only one friend and made up a fictional type of thing with fake people and stuff, but other than that I don't really get it. If you could explain a little more it would be better for the reader. Good job for a prolouge though. I definetly want to know more.
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Losing Weight (formerly Chocolate :p)
That was awesome! I think Lena caught everything I had found wrong. I, personally, loved your descriptions, though. But that's just me, you can't please everyone. I'll say leave 'em, but if others think they're too much, go with their opinions. Also, I kinda thought this sounded more like a chapter 1, not a prologue. You might want to change that. Please post more parts, I can't wait to read them!
Grammatical Errors
This is not only an example of (I think it's figurative?) language. Also you don't need to include the comma. I'd switch it around and make it like: "I was Sofira today" or whatever.
Overall your grammar is pretty good. There's no jarringly terrible errors, just a few run-on sentences and such.
Word Choice and Sentence Structure
Keep in mind that there is such thing as too much description. This sentence is just an example of that: there's 5 adjectives and a metaphor. Also, your metaphor is kinda funky.. I don't see how light leaking through a door relates to watercolor on paper. Hmmm.
Also your entire first paragraph needs to be edited and cut down completely. You don't need to describe the entire room, cause that makes it kinda boring. Not gonna lie. And also, after I read the thing, i couldn't remember anything that was said. All that really needs to be said is that the basement is kinda dark and has only a couple pieces of creepy-looking furniture in it.
Alright, so you should never put conjunctions (can't, won't, etc) in your writing. so this should read like "...if I had had any say in the matter." The word "had" is possibly my least favorite word in the English language, only second to "my bad".. yeah I guess that's two words. But you should rewrite this sentence with as few "hads" as possible.
This is an example of a polysyndenton (look it up), and polysyndetons have no place in formal writing. So take out one of the "and's" and replace it with a comma.
Too much uneccessary detail.... Ahhhhhhh. How about just one stroke of something? Make it much simpler.
I just feel that this needs to be broken up by a comma.
Haha, this sounded strangely sexual to me. Isn't this a story about little kids? Also, you might want to try showing, not telling. Show the reader that Raven uses his speech to entrance the girl (forgot her name).
Note the repeated use of the word "possessed." I know you only use it twice, but that's one time too many.
I have no idea what the heck "chiaroscuro" means. Neither will your reader. Using big words makes your reader think your a chump. And after looking up the definition, I don't think this word really fits in the sentence any way.
Plot
From really your little paragraph before the actual writing thing, this idea is actually kinda captivating. I'm hoping that you make the reader question reality (is the real world or the fantasy one the real real real one?) and that you don't focus too much on the intracasies (sp?) of the fantasy world.
You should totally make it, like, a psychological thriller. Think something like The Machinist or The Sixth Sense. My favorite kind of story. Yeeeee.
Characters
My only gripe is that you should show, not tell, Raven/D-Me-Something's character transition. You openly say that Raven kinda becomes bad, and you should show it throughout the story instead.
Overall
You obviously have a flair for the written word (yeee that sounds show cheezey). However, make sure to not describe every little thing in extreme detail cause that makes it boring. And, since this is about your childhood, you don't need to include ever detail about your childhood fantasies. Cut some of the deets out and put some in to make it cooler.
Thats about all I have to say. Sorry if this wasn't any help at all. But feel free to PM for any questions, comments, or hate mail.
Cheers,
Lena